I’ve always found the idea of having a “love wish list” kind of ineffective, silly and a little shallow.
My perception of a love list included people crafting ridiculous lists of deal breakers or deal makers for their future, potential partners to be evaluated on in order to even be considered for a first date.
I just hit the year mark with Clo Bare!
Crazy, right? That went by fast, and it also feels like forever ago when I blindly decided to embark on this journey.
This last year has been a lot of things. It’s been full of rediscovering myself and coming to terms with hard truths in order to get closer to the person that I want to be. It’s been filled with changes, aches and pains, growth, stretching, tears, confusion, uncertainty, and ultimately lots of experimentation.
It hasn’t been easy.
It hasn’t been quick.
It hasn’t been straight forward or prescriptive or standard.
Rejection seems like a timely visitor after how wonderful I’ve been feeling for the last several weeks. I was rejected from a freelance opportunity, one that I thought I’d be the perfect fit for.
At first, it felt the same as it’s felt in the past. My heart kind of dropped, I felt my chest fill with a sort of pressure that feels like things are closing in on me, and I start to wonder why I ever thought I’d be good enough to think someone would actually want my work, let alone pay for it.
I think I had what they call a breakthrough.
Since my breakdown two weeks ago… things have been eerily good. A few days after the PTSD flashback that sent me into the waves of grief that I had been avoiding, I felt lighter– calmer even. I’ve felt like more myself than I’ve felt in a while, as if my perspective went through a literal shift. It feels weird to feel so okay, so good that I was actually concerned that I’d have nothing to talk about in my therapy session.
I’m a little suspicious of it. But maybe that’s normal.
PTSD doesn’t go away in the same way that an anxiety attack can go away with a Xanax. PTSD likes to hide under layers of “I’m fine” and “Look at how good I’m doing now”, but underneath the surface, and perhaps far below that shield, it waits for an opportunity to remind you to deal with your shit.
That can sometimes take the form of a breakdown. And sometimes the things we do to breakthrough, like therapy and EMDR, make break us down further until we can begin to build ourselves back up.