I have never been a good sleeper and my sleep hygiene habits are dismal at best. It runs in the family. My little brother is a terrible sleeper, my mom is as well, and from the time that I was a baby, I’ve always had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. My mom would often come in to check on my crib in the middle of the night only to find me wide awake but smiling and happy to see her.
Little has changed in the last 28 years. I take a minimum of two hours to fall asleep once I’m in bed, and I wake up multiple times in an evening to pee or stare off into the darkness and wonder about the meaning of life. I’m a light sleeper as well, with the slightest movement or sound waking me. On average, I get about 5-6 hours of sleep a night.
I’ve been overwhelmed for a few weeks. That’s no secret. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends. Balancing more than I can carry. And quite frankly, I popped a little, in a controlled kind of way.
All this anxiety and overwhelm and feeling buried under a mountain of feels and annoying habits that make me avoid the feels– I’ve finally had enough. It’s time to deal, recognize and change what might be making me more anxious and overwhelmed than I need to be.
Winter is prime time for depressive episodes to show up. For those of us who struggle with depression, myself included, the endless grey days can often sneak their way into our being. I’m not immune to it, and lately I’ve been feeling the grey-ness from the inside out.
If you’ve been following along in my Instagram stories for the last two weeks, you know I’ve been struggling with my old friend depression for most of February. Luckily, it seems that this depressive episode only decided to stick around for about two weeks, and I can already feel the clouds lifting.
Lately, the words “I’m lonely” seem to be on this quiet murmuring track in the back of my brain anytime distractions subside and the fog re-emerges.
I’m lonely. It whispers. My heart beats and it sounds again. I’m lonely
I catch the thought and try to shake it away, and focus on the present, but it comes back into the rhythmic reminder that something is missing.
I just hit the year mark with Clo Bare!
Crazy, right? That went by fast, and it also feels like forever ago when I blindly decided to embark on this journey.
This last year has been a lot of things. It’s been full of rediscovering myself and coming to terms with hard truths in order to get closer to the person that I want to be. It’s been filled with changes, aches and pains, growth, stretching, tears, confusion, uncertainty, and ultimately lots of experimentation.
It hasn’t been easy.
It hasn’t been quick.
It hasn’t been straight forward or prescriptive or standard.