I’ve always found the idea of having a “love wish list” kind of ineffective, silly and a little shallow.
My perception of a love list included people crafting ridiculous lists of deal breakers or deal makers for their future, potential partners to be evaluated on in order to even be considered for a first date.
I don’t date nice guys.
I’m that girl who claims “He’s just too nice.”
I’m that girl who says “I just feel like I could walk all over him.”
I’m that girl who thinks “He couldn’t handle me.”
And I’m kind of over it.
For the last 12 years, I’ve been inexplicably drawn to the guys that are all types of wrong for me.
Going through trauma therapy is a lot harder than I anticipated. Shocking, I know. I’m not sure what I was expecting; I’m not sure I was really expecting anything. It’s certainly not as easy as taking a pill and getting rid of the memories or erasing all the ways it shows up in your life now.
What I’m learning is that in order to get past the trauma, you first have to dive deep into it.
And that’s hard.
I’ve got trust issues.
As my therapist would say, my cup of trust is empty right now, and I’m working on filling it up. With someone new in my life, whenever I feel like I’m ready for it, it’s going to take some time to fill my cup back up.
I recently decided to go out on a few dates, just to see what it’d be like and to remember what it’s like to be back in the Tinder game.
And– spoiler alert– it’s kind of awful for the most part.
I did a bad thing recently.
It’s something that I had a hard time sharing even with my closest friends, and even my therapist.
To say it fills me with so much dread and shame and disappointment that I can barely push the words out of my mouth or type them on this page.
But through practicing self-love, healing and understanding, I’m beginning to realize that accepting something is better than pushing it down and pretending it didn’t happen.
So here goes…