Relationships

Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys, and other D-Bags to Avoid

In my 28-years of being alive and being single through a solid chunk of it, I’ve had the pleasure of dating a variety of dudes. I’ve dated the d-bags. Dated some good guys. I’ve dated some great guys but bad matches, and I’ve also dated some freaks, geeks and total weirdos (in the best and worst ways). It’s hard to nail down my type if you lined up a row of dudes I’ve dated, even if just briefly. It’s a wide array but there’s always certain types that I always run into. But you know what I’ve also encountered a lot of in my years of dating and have been plagued by lately? The self-proclaimed “Nice Guy” dealing with a heavy dose of “Nice Guy Syndrome”.

Cue the GROANs and prepare yourself for a slightly self-indulgent rant about “nice guys.”

Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys and the “Nice Guy Syndrome” Defined

The Nice Guy Syndrome MIGHT be my least favorite kind of douche bag. If you can have favorite douche bags.

The manipulation, level of entitlement and the overall degrading perception of women these men have make them a special kind of awful. What’s worse is, most of the time these types of men are so convinced that they are indeed the victim of any given situation, that they are utterly and completely oblivious to their superb level of asshattery.

Now, before I dive into how to recognize and avoid these special breeds of dickheads, let’s talk about the “Nice Guy Syndrome” and “Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys”.  

This is not an official syndrome so I’m pulling an Urban Dictionary definition and quoting the Independent on your lovely asses:

Definition 1

“Men who complain that they are unlucky in love despite their ‘nice guy’ persona may have a sinister agenda… Dr Robert Glover, who’s studied the issue, says these men are often trying to form “covert contracts” with the target of their affections.”

Rachel Hosie

Definition 2

According to Urban Dictionary:

“A condition where a guy feels he is entitled to dating a girl simply because he has been her friend and let her cry on her shoulder about the jerks. When she is not attracted to him, he chooses to blame it on the fact that he has been a “nice guy” and she only wants to date jerks. Really, not the mentality of a guy who is actually nice, because one should not be kind in the hopes of getting a girl and simply be kind for the sake of being kind. Any guy who tries to guilt you into dating him simply because you are friends has the mental affliction known as nice guy syndrome.”

Urban Dictionary

Definition 3

Here’s another one cause it’s just too good to not share:

“A annoying mental condition in which a heterosexual man concocts over simplified ideas why women aren’t flocking to him in droves. Typically this male will whine and complain about how women never want to date them because he is “too nice” or that he is average in appearance. He often targets a woman who is already in a relationship; misrepresenting his intentions of wanting to be her friend and having the expectation that he is owed more than friendship because he is such a good listener. He is prone to brooding over this and passive aggressive behavior.”

Urban Dictionary

Clo Bare’s Definition

Essentially, the “Nice Guy Syndrome” is a boy who believes he is a nice guy but is in fact not a nice guy.  He views rejection as a moral injustice and feels entitled to certain women simply because he was “nice” to her and laments over her choices to date men who he deems asshole-ish.

Whatever “nice” is can range from being someone’s friend for many years in hopes of her someday waking up and realizing she’s in love with him to holding open the door or complimenting her when she posts something on the internet. The “Nice guy” hangs his hat up on the fact that he is a “nice guy” and laments over being misunderstood and unloved by a world where women just “love to date d-bags”. He’s jaded and blames women for not wanting to be with him. 

Often I’ve noticed they also have a certain view of a woman and how she’s “supposed” to be or act which coincides with putting women on pedestals.

If you put someone on a pedestal, you are setting them up for failure.

clo bare

The Ever-Dreaded Pedestal

In my experience, the nice guy also likes to put certain women on pedestals. The kind of pedestals where he’ll worship her, thinking that it’s affection and treating her like a queen and showing her WHAT A GREAT GUY HE IS AND LOOK HOW GOOD HE WILL BE TO HER!?! 

What’s the issue with that, right?

Well, there’s a few problems.

  1. If you put someone on a pedestal, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. We are all human and putting someone on a pedestal is taking away their humanity. The perfection of your expectations are bound to cause a long and hard fall for the person on top of your high pedestal. Pedestals aren’t safe. They aren’t real and they aren’t stable. One small move and everything comes crashing down.
  2. A pedestal is an unrealistic view of the ideal version of a person, whether or not that IS the actual person. It’s a perfect idea of a partner, and besides being unrealistic, it’s controlling because the pedestal is built on ideas of how a partner should be, not how they actually are.
  3. It’s another way of not treating women like an equal partner. I don’t WANT you to treat me like a queen. What I want is to be treated like an equal. I want you to treat me like a fucking partner and a fucking human being. And I am sorry that society and toxic masculinity and traditional roles have made you believe that i need to be treated like a queen. WHO WANTS TO BE A QUEEN ANYWAY. I WANT TO BE A MOTHER FUCKING KING WITH ALL THE POWER.

Woof. Got carried away there.

Anyway.

Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys

There’s another type of nice guy I’ve noticed too though, and I think they fall under the same category. These “self-proclaimed nice guys” have no issues in telling you what a nice guy they are and they really do seem like nice guys. They use their charms and apparent niceness to take advantage of women looking for a “nice guy”.  Turns out though, often the over the top niceness is really a mask of sorts to hide his general disdain for women.

What I’ve noticed about both types of “nice guys”? Well, for one, they aren’t super nice. And for two, they don’t seem to really like or respect women as equals.

My Experiences with Self-Proclaimed “Nice Guys”

I have had far too many experiences with so-called “nice guys” to list them all out here but below, in no particular order, are some of the creme de la creme in my recent interactions with self-proclaimed nice guys, and the “nice guy syndrome.” 

1. The DJ

I know, you tapped out as soon as you read “DJ.” But bear with me. 

The DJ seemed like a “Nice Guy” when I first met him. He had kids and he talked positively about them and the mother(s) of his children. Decent job, listened intently, and seemed genuinely curious about me and vice versa. He politely made no moves but extended hugs and cute little gestures on our first date like coming to my side of the bench to sit closer to me.

He seemed “nice” and had no problems telling me he was “nice”.  The DJ showered me in compliments and did things that felt nice too, like picked me up my favorite Starbucks or stocked my favorite beer at his place.

For the first time in a long while, I was dating a man who complimented me nonstop and it felt so friggin good. He’d tell me how beautiful I was and how smart and how boss and how overall badass he thought I was.

Swoon, right?

FINALLY someone who got me and appreciated it felt like. What I didn’t know is that’s something the experts like to call “love bombing”, but that’s another topic for another time.

Turns out compliments have nothing to do with respect. 

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When Things Stop Adding Up

Anyway, very soon after I started to notice a few things that didn’t really add up to what “real” nice guys would do. 

He’d talk about his ex’s and baby mamas, claiming they were “crazy.” He’d call them names and shit talk about how they were when he was always just “trying to be a good guy.” Then the lies started peeking through the cracks in his facade. I caught him in several lies early on, and he’d flip the tables on me saying he didn’t want to tell me because he was afraid I’d freak out.

Eventually he told me his work suspended him for harassing a female colleague, and he lied to me about where he spent his days. He started pressing my boundaries, seeing how far I’d bend, and when I’d call him out for it, he’d find a way to push the blame back on me. But he kept showering me with addicting love and affection as long as I was the type of girl he envisioned me to be in his head. As soon as I stepped outside those bounds– the respect I thought he had for me shot right out the window. 

Warning Signs and Endings

Turns out compliments have nothing to do with respect. 

Add those warning signs to the refrigerator filled with chocolate and water next to his bed, and a graveyard of stray earrings under his mattress– I started to realize I was not indeed dating a nice guy. 

When I ended things with him, I told him not to contact me again because I was afraid he’d gaslight me back into the nonrelationship we were in like he had done before. I blocked him and in a true show of his colors and lack of respect for boundaries, he tried to contact me on the dating app (unmatch), via an email text message to my phone (blocked again), and by sending me flowers to my home all within 24 hours of me ending it. 

To add icing to the cake, he blasted me on his public Facebook page, playing the victim and wondering why a woman would take advantage of a vulnerable “nice guy” in the way that I had. I, the fake-intellectual, promiscuous bitch with a web-rag of a blog that was hardly worth a read from a 6th grader’s journal let alone a self-paid for website. 

That is what nice guys do, isn’t it? Skewer and roast their sort-of-exes on Facebook? 

No? I must be doing this dating nice guys thing wrong.

Spoiler alert: I was.

But on to the next “Nice Guy”.

2. River North

River North and I had one of the best first dates ever.

We talked about politics and travel and ate too much Italian food. We had a great time on the best date I had ever been set up on and I was feeling optimistic. He was nice, opened doors, chatted with the women eating dinner next to us and super fun to talk to. We got along, had a lot in common, and he seemed refreshingly  genuine. No red flags that I could see.

Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy

Like the DJ he described himself as a nice guy, and would roll his eyes at how “guys are these days.” Not holding open doors or picking up checks. Not driving women home or picking them up. I thought it was kind of refreshing meeting someone who prided himself on being a gentleman. It was one of the best first dates I had been on, and I was pumped for date number two. 

The Second Date

In the days leading up to our second date, conversations were pleasant and enjoyable. He continued in his niceness and we made plans for him to pick me up. That night we planned to hang out with some of his friends and on the way to the event, he told me that he had told his friends we had been dating for a few weeks and had been on 7 or 8 dates.

Overt Racism and Other Fun

I laughed and told him I was a terrible liar, but I figured I’d roll with it. When we met his friends, I noticed River North turning icy towards his friend’s girlfriend, making rude comments and passive aggressive side remarks framed as jokes.

And then the racist jokes started. Then the rudeness to the host at the restaurant. And then the overt shit-talking to people he had never met before.

By the end of the night, he had exploded at his friend’s girlfriend (after she got upset that he asked her if she had tried to commit suicide) and stormed out of the party only to then complain about how he wasn’t wrong for asking her if she had ever slit her own wrists (long story). The next morning he text me to apologize and then tell me that he told his mom everything, and she thought he did nothing wrong.

Did I mention the man was almost 40? 

Fucking, River North.

Nice guys don’t see women as a separate species.

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3. The Farm Boy

Oh, my GOD. The Farm Boy was one of the sexiest men I have ever had the privilege of seeing naked. The man looked like Channing Tatum only MORE muscular. He once lifted my chair while I was sitting in it over his head so that he could sit next to me. 

Swoon, right? I am a dumb sucker for muscles, one of my many faults.

And he seemed SO NICE to top it all off. He acted sweet and talked about his feelings and his parent’s relationship and how he wanted a nice woman. He oozed niceness in the farm-boy, small town kind of way. 

For a few weekends, we spent hours talking until five am and a few weeks after meeting, we spent the night together.

And as cliche as it gets, the next week got a little weird.

For the most part, I stopped hearing from him. His messages were short and felt like a friend contacting another friend. He rescheduled our next date and then last minute moved it up to a lunch.

At the lunch, he told me that he couldn’t do what he was doing with me because he was a Christian. Christians didn’t do things like hook up and date non-Christians. I could do it, he told me, because I was a free spirit. He couldn’t because that’s not what Christians do, but if possible, he’d like to keep me in his life as a friend because that would be great and lovely.

Great and lovely.

So he used me for a hookup and then decided that we could be friends because he believed in God and I did not? Being friends meant that we were cool, right? Even though he slut shamed me for sleeping with him and then cushioned the blow by labeling me a free spirits, allowed to enjoy sex while good people (ie Christians) don’t do that? See– he’s still a cool, nice guy though since he wants to be friends, obviously.

Very nice. Great and lovely.

4. John Doe

John Doe is a special kind of nice guy. The kind of nice guy that lives under bridges and comes out of the woodwork to troll on blogs. 

For example, he’s the kind of nice guy wants to let people know that he’s a nice guy. He does that by commenting on The Bare’s post, “Why I Don’t Date Nice Guys”. Clearly not reading the piece and noticing the title alone he scrolls far past the introspection and trying to own one’s own problem in order to solve it.

Instead he dives face first into the comments where he can release his passive aggressive comments about how a “nice guy, like me, would never want to date a woman like you” (Clo Bare) and “So thank you for staying away because a nice guy would never want to be with someone like you.” 

Lovely, right? Perhaps I am being too kind– perhaps he did actually read the post and decided– you know what? Someone identifying why she does something and trying hard to work through her own shit makes her shit. Let’s comment and let her know.

One time was a solid indication of his niceness. But in order to double the dosage of niceness, John Doe decided to comment twice. Kicker on the nice guy trifecta? He used a service that generates a one-time-use email so he maintained anonymity.

Courageous AND nice- I think I’m in love.

The Difference Between Actual Nice Guys and Self-Proclaimed Nice Guys 

Alright, alright. Enough of my slightly self-indulgent run down memory lane with the self-identified nice dudes and men with nice guys syndrome. Self-proclaimed nice guys exhaust me, but they do help me identify the real ones from the fake.

Through my failures, bad decisions and dating mistakes, here’s what I’ve learned.

What Nice Guys Aren’t

  1. Nice guys aren’t bitter towards women. They don’t see them as a separate species. They don’t regard them with disdain for the hundreds of ways they view women reject “what’s good for them” ie, a “nice guy”.
  2. Nice guys aren’t going to talk shitty about their exes. They don’t talk about how crazy all the women they’ve dated are. They aren’t going to put the entire downfall of the relationship on their ex.
  3. Nice guys aren’t going to tell you that you’re not like any other girl they’ve ever met. They won’t say they’ve never met a woman like you before. They aren’t going to oversimplify and make sweeping generalizations about an entire gender.
  4. Nice guys aren’t going to make excuses for their bad behavior. They won’t blame you for why they are the way they are.
  5. They aren’t going to make you uncomfortable, push your boundaries or disrespect you and your choices.
  6. Nice guys aren’t going to say what they need to to get you into bed. They aren’t going to get upset if you decide you aren’t interested in dating them.
  7. Nice guys aren’t going to use you for a hook up and then use religion to excuse their behavior.
  8. They don’t disrespect other people or decide to be condescending to strangers for sport.
  9. Nice guys don’t think they’re inherently better than everyone else they meet.
  10. They do not put women on pedestals as another way to dehumanize them.
  11. Nice guys don’t shame you for your sex drive. They don’t try to insinuate that your past sexual experiences somehow hold weight on your value as a human being. 

Now, I’m new at this whole “dating nice guys” thing so I’m still learning and this list is shorter. Here’s what I’ve noticed so far:

What Genuinely Nice Guys Are

  1. Nice guys are going to listen to your boundaries and respect them.
  2. Nice guys are not bitter towards an entire gender. They do not dehumanize them and they recognize that they are equal in human-hood. Not a thing on a pedestal, and not a thing to tame or conquer. They see women as human beings.
  3. Nice guys understand their own roles in the demise of their own relationships. They understand that relationships are always two way streets. They understand that their actions, decisions and indecision’s have consequences.
  4. Nice guys aren’t just nice to you. They’re nice to everyone because they are actually nice human beings. They aren’t just being nice to you to get you into bed.
  5. Generally, nice guys don’t have to tell you that they’re nice. 
  6. They do not tell you that you’re not like other women. They know that women are as complex and unendingly different from each other and would never oversimplify an entire gender.
  7. Nice guys don’t feel insecure by a woman’s autonomy or independence.
  8. Nice guys don’t shame you for wanting sex or think that women should be less experienced then men. 

And that, my friends, is my nice guy rant.

Disclaimer: #NotAllMen

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Clo Bare, not ALL nice guys are like this. Not all nice guys have “Nice Guy Syndrome” and not all men are nice just to manipulate women or get back at the woman who denied them in high school.

And you know what? You’re right. #NotAllMen and all that crap. This is not an attack on genuinely nice men. But what I’m talking about here ARE “self-proclaimed nice guys” and men with “nice guy syndrome” who use a veil of niceness to get away with bad behavior.


Dealing with your own version of a nice guy that’s not so nice? Leave your story in the comments below.

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21 Comments

  • Reply
    Mykayla
    July 18, 2019 at 12:34 pm

    Great read! The section with your personal experiences with “nice guys” was so relatable!

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      July 18, 2019 at 1:14 pm

      Thank you!!

      • Reply
        Sara
        July 18, 2019 at 5:15 pm

        I love this so much.

  • Reply
    Kathryn
    July 18, 2019 at 12:41 pm

    Leaving a comment on this one, because #Yes. Anyone who needs that “Not all men” disclaimer (gag, btw) is missing the point. A REAL good man doesn’t need that disclaimer, only bitch ass little boys do. #AllBitchAssBoys

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      July 18, 2019 at 1:14 pm

      YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. YES. YEEEEEEEEEES. That is all.

  • Reply
    How Patriarchy Ruins Intimate Relationships | baby grand
    August 21, 2019 at 11:14 am

    […] Self proclaimed nice guys and other D-bags to avoid– https://clobare.com/self-proclaimed-nice-guys-and-other-d-bags-to-avoid/ […]

  • Reply
    Marvis Rayna
    December 14, 2019 at 12:22 am

    Did you hear what Taylor Swift was saying? It was after she got an award at the Billboard Music Awards. Taylor really has a beef with Scooter Braun I guess. It had something to do with toxic male privilege. I’m not so sure I agree.

  • Reply
    Rhapsody
    April 2, 2020 at 3:46 pm

    I do agree with most of your points here. However, I have but a few points to make myself, first and foremost being this: The phrase ‘Toxic Masculinity’ is a gross generalization of masculinity itself to say the very least. A woman, as human as any man, should be held to the same standards of humanity. If a man started speaking of a false set of unidentifiable, undesirable, inherent, and toxic traits in the female psyche and current culture he would in all likelihood be attacked, scorned, sued, assaulted, etc. by hoards of social justice warriors and other aspiring hypocrites of a reversed but unsettlingly similar opinion. A woman can do the virtually the same thing, touting reports of “toxic masculinity” when really they just met an asshole. There are assholes of every gender, race, and creed; They can pop up anywhere, and especially when encouraged by friends, political propaganda they read, and overwhelming self righteousness.
    The modern day hard-core feminist is really just a misogynist turned on it’s head and both should be treated in the same manner at least for the sake of justice.

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      April 2, 2020 at 4:00 pm

      I do not think you understand toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity and masculinity are not the same things. Toxic masculinity is a set of unfair societal standards that is placed on men that prevents them from the entire human experience.

  • Reply
    Rhapsody
    April 5, 2020 at 12:48 am

    Hmm, well, I am glad that your definition is such.

  • Reply
    Rika
    May 23, 2020 at 3:33 pm

    Self-indulgent or not, I certainly indulged myself by reading this! I find the nice guy phenomenon endlessly fascinating and read everything I can find about it, so thank you for the ‘rant’. This special brand of niceness also occurs in women, which causes a whole different kind of crazy.

    “Generally, nice guys don’t have to tell you that they’re nice.”

    I just want to comment on this trait in particular, because as far as I’m concerned this one might as well be on top of the list. I’ve always felt that this is a criterium you can take to the bank.
    People -both men and women- who are genuinely nice do not volunteer that fact at the first opportunity. And I mean: ever. When you really think about it; wouldn’t you be kind of embarrassed saying something like that about yourself? And without prompting at that? Genuinely nice people know that, if someone is interested in getting to know them, their actions will speak for themselves.
    Why do ‘nice guys’ proclaim that they’re nice? Because on some level they know that that message won’t come across any other way. So they’d better tell you.

    I’m not a psychologist, and I’m just prodding at the mystery that is life like the rest of us, but from what I’ve seen so far in my 36 years, people who inform you about their good qualities provide pretty iron-clad evidence that they at least don’t have the ones they just told you about.

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels | Clo Bare
      June 12, 2020 at 11:00 am

      It is fascinating, isn’t it? I completely agree with you. If I told you that “I’m really smart”, I’d expect you to doubt whether or not I’m actually smart. It’s just an odd thing to state something that can be shown. Such a good point on why people proclaim their good points– cause they probably can’t prove them any other way.

  • Reply
    KT
    June 10, 2020 at 9:29 am

    I once had a “Nice Guy” call me a whore and for being dirty for asking him for an HIV Test. He thought I was blaming him for being dirty and was convinced that he didn’t need to take a test even though he has had 5 previous partners and has never been tested in his life. He didn’t know how an HIV Test worked and how it was taken. He turned it around and blamed me and accused me of having some type of disease, and accused me of being a slut. Then blocked me from all social media so I couldn’t respond back. Mind you this is a 31-year-old man, a year older than me, who still lived with his mom.

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels | Clo Bare
      June 12, 2020 at 11:01 am

      Good lord. That’s ridiculous. Good for you for standing up for yourself and also taking out the garbage.

  • Reply
    MS
    July 19, 2020 at 1:08 pm

    I searched everywhere for an article about self-proclaimed “nice guy”. I met a dude online and he seemed really nice at first. We talked about music, school. past experiences, interests, etc. I was confident and sure enough to bring it into texting and I asked him out for lunch.

    First meeting was okay, conversations went on smoothly. I enjoyed my time with him even though we were just aimlessly walking around at the mall. We still texted after meeting.

    However, I start to notice that he’s really insecure and always talking down on himself? I asked for his first impression of me and when it was my turn to do his, he said things about himself like, “Ugly, questionable outfit, oily face, too much dark eye circles, looking like a stick, etc”. While my first impression of him wasn’t like that at all.

    He’s constantly saying things like “my life is a disappointment”, “unbalanced like my life”, “where is the happiness that I’ve been searching for 3 years?”. Too much negative talk but I kept going with it.

    The deal breaker was he made a joke about my hair, (which was of my biggest insecurities and I told him I wanted to get it straightened), “Hey your hair looking like it got struck by lightning, go to the salon and get it done hahaha!!”.

    I got super pissed off. Wasn’t he the one who told me about how insecure he is about his looks? It doesn’t make sense to make fun of someone else’s looks – for joking purposes. I called him out on that. He apologised but went on talking about himself and how much other people talked shit about his looks. “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again. As much as I’m a nice guy, I make mistakes. I won’t do that again. On that note I spent 600 bucks on facial treatment and instead of it making my skin better, it made my skin worse.”

    Why is the focus on him now? Didn’t reply for a day and he double-texted me talking about how crap he felt, because I didn’t text back. Saying it’s going to make his day even worse if I don’t reply and went on to say “If you don’t want to reply, then don’t. I feel like I destroy everything I touch, I’m just making things worse and I deserve to feel this way” Not only that, he kept bringing up about his past on how much he got bullied back then. Of course I empathise and it’s a very shit situation to go through but constantly bringing it up in a conversation all of a sudden gets really old. And tiring.
    All of this self victimising is making me sick. I didn’t even know what to say. Felt this topic won’t be over so I just said let’s move on.

    It got worse. After a few days, I got super busy because I got a new job. I couldn’t talk to him as much, and I told him that. I didn’t want him to keep waiting for my text but I want him to have fun while I’m busy. There’s more to this argument but I’ll just write down the highlights of it.

    I generally do not like texting everyday for the sake of small talks and he doesn’t seem to be okay with it.

    Him: “I’m just doing a simple gesture of asking about your day and what you’re doing. If you feel like its bothersome to do that, then don’t.”.

    I said we don’t seem like friends at times because I had this fear that guys would use the title “friend” as a disguise to flirt or in hopes of getting into a relationship. So I wanted to know his intentions and where things are going for us.

    Him: “I don’t know why you feel like we’re not friends. Then can you even explain to me how I’m talking to you everyday? I did all of this bcause I’m your friend. The night when I fucked up my jokes I cried because I know how much it hurts you and I can’t afford to lose you. I’ve always understood what you feel but have you ever thought about how I feel? Does my effort mean anything to you? Do you talk to me for the sake of it? I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do because nothing seems to work.”

    Should I feel bad for him that he cried because he make a joke about my hair and I got mad about it?

    Should I feel bad for him because I was so angry that I didn’t reply his text and he told me that it’s going to make day even worse?

    Even me bringing up about wanting to have certain boundaries and questions to clear my doubts seems offensive to him. Clearly he’s not rational. I’m done, I don’t think I’m ever going to talk to him again. He just wants to be babied that he’s always in constant need of reassurance and validation. Dude just wanted a therapist, LMFAO.

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      July 23, 2020 at 11:22 am

      Yikes!! Im so sorry to hear you went through all of this. I think that this happens a lot, unfortunately, so you’re definitely not alone. He definitely seems like he needs some therapy or some inner thought work, but that’s something only he can do for himself! Hope you’re finding some healing from it! That sounds exhausting.

  • Reply
    Will
    September 14, 2020 at 6:13 pm

    Honestly, I feel like a lot of what is said does apply to me and is making me wonder if I really am bitter toward women (I am)…. I am desperately trying to change this, do you have any tips because I hate using this tactic when I know it will eventually fail and I’ll be exposed

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      September 25, 2020 at 7:45 am

      Hey– it’s pretty great that you’re able to recognize that within yourself! That’s a huge piece of progress right there. My biggest tip? Get thee to a therapist! They can help you work out your anger towards women. It’s hard to do on our own! Best of luck to you!

  • Reply
    B
    September 15, 2020 at 3:23 pm

    I’ve had experience in dating nice guys. And just being around so called nice guys who will call you disrespectful names or other women while having a veneer of kindness to everyone else. My nice guy ex stalked me online, I believe started a harassment campaign against me, and still smears me to this day. The thing with nice guys is, as you said, their niceness is only a flimsy act. The act is there to cover up a lot of anger and bitterness.

    • Reply
      Chloe Daniels
      September 25, 2020 at 7:45 am

      UGH I’m so sorry to hear this! Unbelievable how many bad dudes there are out there. I’m hoping you get some relief from him soon!!!

  • Reply
    Bobbinz
    October 16, 2020 at 4:47 am

    It seems the author indulges in many of the “not-nice-guy” qualities while writing, which does significanlty harm the validity of the article. The aggressive register and vocabulary detracts from the potential objective helpfulness of the article, which I think many guys are seeking. Bitterly describing a handful of negative experiences is unquestionably linked to the generalizations on how to categorize individuals. In all, I feel that exploring tendencies of narcissism should have played a larger role in the author’s analysis; improving both terminology and approach to identification of characteristics of “nice-guys”. Idolatry of the self, self-victimization, pedestal complexes, having a holier-than-thou perception can certainly be supported by previous studies about narcissists. (applying to both men and women regarding “nice-guy” behavior.) I would say that without a doubt, the culture the author lives in has become overrun with such people who truly DO need to hear, “You are NOT a nice person.” (Even the comments exemplify how people are selfish and aggressive.) Sadly, such people deny the need for self-assessment and introspective change. I wanted to read the article becasue I’m not a very nice guy, and I do think this hinders my relationships with other people both personal and professional, and I was hoping to change, but this article is just too angry and flippant.

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