Body Image

I have a secret.

This post has to happen.

I have a confession to make.

It’s something I’ve been trying to keep from everyone during every hour of everyday.
It’s a life-sucking secret that I try to cover up, and I am scared to death that my friends, boyfriend, family, and complete strangers will find out.
I’m afraid if you find out, you won’t like me any more because you’ll see me for who I really am.

But it has to come out so I can stop being afraid of it being revealed.

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So here goes.

I am overweight.
And I gained ten pounds in the last month.
And I have a binge eating disorder that I have been battling since I got over my anorexia when I was 14.
And there are days when I hate myself because of it.
And there are days when I feel like I want to die because of it.
But today is the day that I am fed up for feeling like that simply because I like to drink beer and eat donuts.


Phew.

That’s my secret. I did it. 

The world didn’t implode. The apocalypse did not happen. I didn’t instantly receive 100 texts from all my closest friends and loved ones cutting ties with me.

Because you know what? It’s perfectly fine to be overweight.

What’s not fine is feeling like you have to wear your hair half up in a knot on top of your head so that your face and neck look longer.

What’s not fine is feeling like you’re wearing a sausage casing because you squeezed your body into the most uncomfortable Spanx to hide your natural rolls and suck in your waist.

What’s not fine is not being able to enjoy events like Thanksgiving because you’re worried that you’ll lose control and eat six desserts while your family watches in horror and wonders why you have no self-control.

What’s not fine is being afraid of taking family photos or photos with friends because you’re worried the angle they are at will show all your chins.

What’s not fine is feeling like you’re somehow less allowed to enjoy the holidays because you need to lose weight, and people who are overweight or god-forbid fat don’t deserve to eat and drink whatever they want in front of whomever they want.

What’s not fine is contouring the living daylights out of your face to hide your chubby cheeks and double chin so that you look like a terrible photo shopped version of someone else.

What’s not fine is expecting to see a model in the mirror and believing that you’re not worthy of love because your arms jiggle and your belly is soft and round.

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And that is why I am writing this post. 

I’m coming out. 

I’m tired of going through hundreds of photos trying to find the one that makes me look the thinnest. 

I don’t want to shuffle through filters to see what colors make my face look smaller. 
I’m tired of that little spark of panic I feel when I see that someone has tagged me in a photo.
I’m tired of worrying that people will somehow find out that I have fat.
I’m tired of these useless and vain thoughts taking up space in my brain.

How to Accept Your Body

I HAVE SO MANY BETTER AND MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT THAN CALORIES. I HAVE SO MANY BIGGER LIFE GOALS THAN GETTING A SIX PACK.

I am on a mission for self-love and body acceptance.

I am worthy of bucket loads of happiness, joy, pastries, love, laughs—LIFE no matter what size I am. 
I am letting it go. I am saying FUCK this to the tiny box that flattering keeps us in. 

I was not put on this earth to look pretty or subscribe to bullshit beauty standards forced on women by a patriarchy that is capitalizing on our insecurities.

So here it is.

Here are some photos that I would normally hide from you. 

Stepping away from angles that make my arms look thinner. 
Showing my soft stomach. 
Not hiding my double chin. 

This post, while absolutely terrifying, feels so freeing. I am absolutely elated to share my secret so that I can stop it from weighing me down.

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